Breaking the Worth Loop

A father's journey from doing to being

“Where does my worth come from?”

This soul-level question has surfaced with new intensity since becoming a father. Now, with our part-time nanny starting this week, I finally have more protected space for creative work—and with it, a mirror reflecting back how I’ve always related to idea of legacy. I’m beginning to see the Groundhog Day pattern that has defined my life.

Yesterday, alone in my office, I mapped the consciousness loop that entraps me:

• An internal pressure builds to create something “worthy” of my life. →

• This pressure contracts my awareness and drives me to work with intense effort. →

• When the pressure becomes too much, I retreat from my deepest dreams to ship something—anything—sooner, just to feel momentary relief. →

• Seeing the vast gap between what I've created and my soul's deepest vision, I feel inadequate. →

• Repeat.

Every consciousness loop circles around an avoided emotional experience. When I finally saw this pattern mapped out on my whiteboard, I collapsed into my office bean bag. The truth was unmistakable: I was avoiding worthlessness—the gnawing belief that “if I don't create something of value, I’ve wasted my life.” It’s the desperate flight from this feeling that keeps the cycle spinning.

This loop has unconsciously driven me for four decades. The “worth wound” runs deep through generations—my father, his father—and through countless men, each trying to prove their value through endless doing.

The realization left me feeling helpless. After 40 years, my subconscious was still running this depleting program. It steals my presence, making me reach for my phone instead of meeting my 4-month-old daughter’s gaze. It keeps me imprisoned in my office and my mind while life—real, vibrant life—flows by outside.

But mapping the loop has also revealed a path forward, one that requires embracing both shadow and light. The darker path means turning toward my unworthiness—discovering that love persists even in those moments of utter emptiness, when I want to give up on my visions. Only by stopping this endless running can I break free.

Yesterday, at my lowest point, Kiki sat on my lap holding our 4-month-old daughter Ember. In that moment, I began to see with startling clarity the light side of the healing path: I've created a beautiful life—a loving relationship, a precious daughter, a welcoming home—not because of my relentless striving, but in spite of it. I cried as I felt love reaching past my doing to touch my simple being.

I am worthy by virtue of existing. There is nothing I need to do to earn it. Just as I learned last year that true safety comes from feeling an impulse to fix something and knowing I’m already safe, true worthiness will emerge when I can feel the pressure to prove my worth and simultaneously know my inherent worthiness without action.

This, I now see, is the true gift of my Groundhog Day experience: freedom from the belief that my worth depends on what I achieve. It's about finding pride in the life I’ve already created—not through endless doing, but through the simple miracle of being.

I’ll be sharing more stories and lessons on the sacred path of intimacy, fatherhood, and partnership on Instagram and Twitter. In particular, I’m experimenting more with video (!) and would love to get any feedback on those platforms.