What Feeling State Are You Chasing After?

And how to have what you want, now.

I woke up in the middle of the night — a part of me feeling activated and wondering, "So… what exactly am I meant to be creating in the world?"

A very typical question for a guy about to turn 40 this year and who's in deep inquiry of how to spend his one precious life.

I found myself picking up my phone at 2AM and testing out ideas in my head. My wife and I have been wanting to teach people how to create deep connection in their partnerships, and I found myself checking availability of domain names — moving in bed strategically so as not to wake her up.

When I'm in the vortex of trying to figure something out, it can be hard to quiet and relax the mind and go back to sleep. I chased thoughts in my head for what must’ve been a good thirty minutes before I accepted that I wasn’t going to figure out my life’s work in the middle of the night.

I paused and breathed.

"What's the feeling state that knowing the answer would get me?" I asked myself.

I pictured myself knowing exactly what I'm meant to be doing — a big smile on my face as I executed on my life’s purpose. Knowing that I was crushing it.

Ah, I would feel peaceful, confident, and energized. I'd fully enjoy spending my life force energy creating something that was deeply in line with my purpose.

And then the key question: "How can I tap into that feeling state now, without needing anything to change?"

I would enjoy the mystery of not knowing, and see the journey of discovery as part of my life's work.

I smiled, letting myself relax into a feeling of enjoyment of where I was — until I fell soundly back asleep.

What Feeling State Are You Seeking?

One of the most profound insights I've gained in the past decade is the learning that we're always doing things either to achieve — or avoid — some feeling state.

For example, I've spent much of my life chasing the feeling of freedom. I pursued high-paying Silicon Valley jobs, wrote a successful book, built my own company, and traveled the world — thinking that financial and geographical freedom would gift me contentment. But none of the accomplishments could ever satiate my craving.

Coach and author Martha Beck, writes in Steering by Starlight, "What we think would bring us happiness often won’t do the trick. What we’re really after when we yearn for something is a feeling state."

Any time we find ourselves in an experience of the form "if only (external circumstance happens), then I'll feel (feeling state)," we disempower ourselves.

Only when we become aware of what feeling we're wanting to feel, that's when we can actually make an empowered change to our experience.

And so I've developed a keen eye to tracking when the pattern of conditional feelings shows up, when we condition a feeling we want on something else.

If only I can make the money that I want, then I'll be living an abundant and happy life.

If only I can travel the world, then I'll finally feel free.

If only my partner changes in a certain way, then I'll feel at peace.

Conditional feelings present an opportunity to slow down and be curious.

The experience of a conditional feeling will feel very true in the moment. But I really do need to be able to follow my passion and make money in order to be happy! you might argue.

The problem is this:

When we condition our feelings on an external circumstance, we'll never actually stabilize that feeling we're after.

We're certainly not experiencing that feeling state as we're pursuing the external circumstance. And then even if we achieve it, our minds will just replace the external circumstance with something else — and we'll be dropped back into the same unsatisfying experience as before.

So what's the alternative?

Start from the aspirational feeling state you want, now.

Martha Beck calls this process "starting from the end," writing, "You’ll experience far more success in all areas of life when you dwell in a sense that your goal has already been achieved."

So for example — if I require discovery of my life's purpose to feel peace and enjoyment, I'll be pretty miserable on my journey to discover it. I'll always want to be on the other side of the experience I'm having.

Instead, I can tune into the feeling of peace and enjoyment right now, and ask, "How would I discover my life's purpose from this place?"

From that place, I'd begin asking questions like, "How can I do this next step from joy? What has to be true for me to enjoy my journey? How can I enjoy the not knowing?"

Suddenly, the journey feels less like something I need to get to the other side of. It becomes more of an adventure where I'm on a quest to venture into the unknown and discover a deep truth about myself.

Feel the difference?

And so, whenever you find yourself chasing after a conditional feeling, ask yourself:

• What's the feeling state I'm hoping to achieve with my goal?

• How can I feel that way right now — even as I'm working toward that goal?

Let me know what you find.

Thanks to Sarah Jane and Neilda Gagne for reading early drafts of this post.